Sunday, August 30, 2009

To Whom It May Concern,


Hello! My name is Zack Eliasz and I’m writing in regards to your receptionist position. I think I’m an excellent candidate for this position, of course I also thought I was an excellent candidate for the sales associate position, and the barista position, and the sandwich maker position, and the receptionist position, and that person who cleans the dog cages at the pound position, and the seasonal gift shop manager position, and the Halloween store merchandiser position, and the electronics appraisal position, and the nanny position, and the office manager for a child psychologist position, and the lawnmower for a landlord in Skokie position, and the part time accounts receivable clerk position, and the bank teller position, and the grocery bagger position, and the person who moves all of the chairs for an orchestra position, and apparently I wasn’t an excellent candidate for any of those. But, I’m not discouraged. I think that there is something to be learned from all of that rejection, and I think the thing I was supposed to realize is that I am destined to wind up with your company as the receptionist. If I had gotten any of those other jobs I wouldn’t have found this splendid opportunity for personal growth.

You may ask, why didn’t I get those other jobs? Sometimes they never got back to me or if they did get back to me it was usually two weeks later with a kind note explaining that due to the extreme number of applicants only those with a masters and four years prior experience would be considered. I don’t have that! But I do have a winning go-getter personality, and I like to multitask, really! Sometimes I just multitask when I’m at home with my cat. I just think of a lot of things to do and I do them all at once. I love working. Working makes me happy. Sometimes I work so much it drives the people around me a little crazy, like when I found out my boyfriend was cheating because I just couldn’t stop reorganizing his things and I cleaned up his computer desktop and found an email he had been writing to another man and he used all kinds of foul language in it and I hate foul language. And I bet you think I got angry but I didn’t, in fact I remained courteous and professional when I confronted him about the situation and even then he still left me. And I still sent him a holiday card! It had a reindeer! Except I think he was Jewish and I don’t know if they believe in reindeer.

And then I had some interviews, where I got to talk about all of the marvelous skills that I learned working in an office while I went to college. That was a great time in my life! I got to file away all of these manila folders and I made a game out of it and everyone thought I was the best person at filing and I still had fun doing it! I love to file! Except I don’t like third-cut files, they’re not as good. My interviewers didn’t seem impressed by all this filing so I told them about how I made appointments in Meeting Maker. Meeting maker has all of these colored boxes for different kinds of appointments and I think it’s just like Tetris. I can make anything fun. When I answer the phones I try to out-nice myself and be even more friendly than last time. You might think this is easy but one time this woman yelled and me and called me a heartless bureaucrat! As if! I wasn’t even being paid enough to be called a bureaucrat! And I was so nice to her that she hung up on me. Oh well! I’m good at adapting to people like that, I just nice them up, because I’m just about the nicest person ever. Except my ex didn’t think so because I always reminded him to put the dishes in the dishwasher the right way so that everything could get squeaky clean. Because you have to do things the right way! He used to get so mad, and he tried to make me mad, and I was just too nice!

And sometimes my interviewers would ask me why I was interested in the position. And the reason is: I love doing everything! I like getting dressed in the morning. I think I put on clothes really well, which is why I tried to get a job in fashion. But I didn’t know how to sew! Then I tried to get a job in marketing because I really like those new Snickers advertisements, but they told me I wasn’t experienced enough. Then I tried to get a job doing medical billing but I’m just so darn bad with numbers! And I never learned to type! Can you believe that? A lot of people think I’m a bad worker because I can’t do math and I can’t type, and you might think that too, but you shouldn’t! You should see the good in things, like the way that I keep my desk organized so I can find the stapler faster than anyone else can find their stapler, or the way that I use half a Post-it note and save the other half for later. That saves money!

Then, one time I got to the second interview because the woman, Clarisse, liked me so much and she thought I had just the right personality. She ran a company that put people’s logos on hats, and pens, and stuffed animals, and just about anything! I like pens with people’s logos on them, they’re professional-looking. You should get some! So, I finally met Clarisse for a second interview and I had on a nice pressed white shirt and a tasteful watch and I looked her in the eyes and I told her I was the person she needed for this job. She nodded and agreed with me. She was eating a raspberry scone, and I think those are delicious, so I told her, and she let me have a bite! Then a meteorite crashed through the roof of the restaurant and obliterated her. The only thing left were her Chanel flats. Meteorites! What can you do?

I bet you think after all that I was finally discouraged, but I wasn’t! Because I knew I would find the perfect job for me. And now I’ve found it! I will admit it’s hard being just out of college and looking for work with only minor clerical experience, and the nicest thing anyone can, or will, do for me is offer to write a recommendation. Not having a job is hard, especially now that my boyfriend left me with the cat and I have to feed the two of us and I can’t even get unemployment and I have to wash my clothes in the bathtub. But it can be fun! I made up a tub laundry song, and I think my cat really likes when I sing it to her. I can tell you need someone just like me for the receptionist position. It’s my dream to be a busy receptionist in a busy office working with busy people! Sometimes I lie awake at night holding the cat and thinking about paperclips and ways they can be used. They’re sometimes better than staples! You may think that people apply for jobs like this because the economy is so bad and they need anything, but not me! Being a receptionist is my calling, like how some people discover they need to be public speakers, and some become scientists, and some become stay at home moms. I was born to be a receptionist.

Attached please find a copy of my resume, I think you’ll like the font. It’s clean and minimal. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Zack Eliasz

3 comments:

Jeni said...

I miss you!

a_caesura said...

so, this is some awesome writing. seriously. i'm inspired.

fuzzyjay said...

Meteorites! What can you do?

It's funny cause it's true.