Alpaca Fords the River

Dramapaca

2010-03-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

based on the Mirabakesso commercial.

New Blogging Project

2009-09-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

Alpacas on pause until I find employment. The premier source for ramblings about my unemployed life:

http://gaponmyresume.blogspot.com

Catholic Perish

2009-08-31T16:14:00.001-07:00

To Whom It May Concern,

2009-08-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

Hello! My name is Zack Eliasz and I’m writing in regards to your receptionist position. I think I’m an excellent candidate for this position, of course I also thought I was an excellent candidate for the sales associate position, and the barista position, and the sandwich maker position, and the receptionist position, and that person who cleans the dog cages at the pound position, and the seasonal gift shop manager position, and the Halloween store merchandiser position, and the electronics appraisal position, and the nanny position, and the office manager for a child psychologist position, and the lawnmower for a landlord in Skokie position, and the part time accounts receivable clerk position, and the bank teller position, and the grocery bagger position, and the person who moves all of the chairs for an orchestra position, and apparently I wasn’t an excellent candidate for any of those. But, I’m not discouraged. I think that there is something to be learned from all of that rejection, and I think the thing I was supposed to realize is that I am destined to wind up with your company as the receptionist. If I had gotten any of those other jobs I wouldn’t have found this splendid opportunity for personal growth.

You may ask, why didn’t I get those other jobs? Sometimes they never got back to me or if they did get back to me it was usually two weeks later with a kind note explaining that due to the extreme number of applicants only those with a masters and four years prior experience would be considered. I don’t have that! But I do have a winning go-getter personality, and I like to multitask, really! Sometimes I just multitask when I’m at home with my cat. I just think of a lot of things to do and I do them all at once. I love working. Working makes me happy. Sometimes I work so much it drives the people around me a little crazy, like when I found out my boyfriend was cheating because I just couldn’t stop reorganizing his things and I cleaned up his computer desktop and found an email he had been writing to another man and he used all kinds of foul language in it and I hate foul language. And I bet you think I got angry but I didn’t, in fact I remained courteous and professional when I confronted him about the situation and even then he still left me. And I still sent him a holiday card! It had a reindeer! Except I think he was Jewish and I don’t know if they believe in reindeer.

And then I had some interviews, where I got to talk about all of the marvelous skills that I learned working in an office while I went to college. That was a great time in my life! I got to file away all of these manila folders and I made a game out of it and everyone thought I was the best person at filing and I still had fun doing it! I love to file! Except I don’t like third-cut files, they’re not as good. My interviewers didn’t seem impressed by all this filing so I told them about how I made appointments in Meeting Maker. Meeting maker has all of these colored boxes for different kinds of appointments and I think it’s just like Tetris. I can make anything fun. When I answer the phones I try to out-nice myself and be even more friendly than last time. You might think this is easy but one time this woman yelled and me and called me a heartless bureaucrat! As if! I wasn’t even being paid enough to be called a bureaucrat! And I was so nice to her that she hung up on me. Oh well! I’m good at adapting to people like that, I just nice them up, because I’m just about the nicest person ever. Except my ex didn’t think so because I always reminded him to put the dishes in the dishwasher the right way so that everything could get squeaky clean. Because you have to do things the right way! He used to get so mad, and he tried to make me mad, and I was just too nice!

And sometimes my interviewers would ask me why I was interested in the position. And the reason is: I love doing everything! I like getting dressed in the morning. I think I put on clothes really well, which is why I tried to get a job in fashion. But I didn’t know how to sew! Then I tried to get a job in marketing because I really like those new Snickers advertisements, but they told me I wasn’t experienced enough. Then I tried to get a job doing medical billing but I’m just so darn bad with numbers! And I never learned to type! Can you believe that? A lot of people think I’m a bad worker because I can’t do math and I can’t type, and you might think that too, but you shouldn’t! You should see the good in things, like the way that I keep my desk organized so I can find the stapler faster than anyone else can find their stapler, or the way that I use half a Post-it note and save the other half for later. That saves money!

Then, one time I got to the second interview because the woman, Clarisse, liked me so much and she thought I had just the right personality. She ran a company that put people’s logos on hats, and pens, and stuffed animals, and just about anything! I like pens with people’s logos on them, they’re professional-looking. You should get some! So, I finally met Clarisse for a second interview and I had on a nice pressed white shirt and a tasteful watch and I looked her in the eyes and I told her I was the person she needed for this job. She nodded and agreed with me. She was eating a raspberry scone, and I think those are delicious, so I told her, and she let me have a bite! Then a meteorite crashed through the roof of the restaurant and obliterated her. The only thing left were her Chanel flats. Meteorites! What can you do?

I bet you think after all that I was finally discouraged, but I wasn’t! Because I knew I would find the perfect job for me. And now I’ve found it! I will admit it’s hard being just out of college and looking for work with only minor clerical experience, and the nicest thing anyone can, or will, do for me is offer to write a recommendation. Not having a job is hard, especially now that my boyfriend left me with the cat and I have to feed the two of us and I can’t even get unemployment and I have to wash my clothes in the bathtub. But it can be fun! I made up a tub laundry song, and I think my cat really likes when I sing it to her. I can tell you need someone just like me for the receptionist position. It’s my dream to be a busy receptionist in a busy office working with busy people! Sometimes I lie awake at night holding the cat and thinking about paperclips and ways they can be used. They’re sometimes better than staples! You may think that people apply for jobs like this because the economy is so bad and they need anything, but not me! Being a receptionist is my calling, like how some people discover they need to be public speakers, and some become scientists, and some become stay at home moms. I was born to be a receptionist.

Attached please find a copy of my resume, I think you’ll like the font. It’s clean and minimal. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Zack Eliasz

no retirement for kitty

2009-08-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Fbookcat

2009-08-26T19:18:00.001-07:00

prettycat

2009-08-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

Midlifecat

2009-08-23T14:05:00.001-07:00

Planecat

2009-08-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Project Runway tonight. And I had two, count 'em, TWO job interviews this week and they were both stellar. I'm feeling quite chipper.

and one more...

2009-08-16T17:00:00.001-07:00

DRAMACATS 2!

2009-08-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Even more!

Searching for a job in Chicago right now is like being single and trying to get laid on valentines day. I'm at the point where I'll take anything. I actually considered a job at a liquor store but realized that it would raise my chances of getting shot in my lifetime to about 98.5%.

DRAMA CATS!

2009-08-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

That's right! Even more kitties, even more problems!

I'm jealous of some of these kitties, at least they have jobs!

working kitties

2009-07-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

kitties with real-world problems!

Springtime-paca

2009-05-23T07:40:00.001-07:00

DE PACA

2009-05-23T07:01:00.001-07:00

yay, 100 posts! who's making a birthday cake for alpaca? (alpaca years are 100 posts long)

gimp paca

2009-05-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

just a sketch i did. now onto the IML tribute alpaca:

hatepaca

2009-05-05T18:41:00.001-07:00

Hate is the word of the day. It seems like republicans may have mistaken their plumbers for prophets, go figure. Hey guys, if you really want to keep the gays away from your children why don't you just stop bringing them to brunch. Thanks!

Love,
the gays

Piggly Wiggly is Guilty

2009-05-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

more anti pig propaganda, responding to something I saw with miss piggy wearing a face mask saying, "i'm innocent!" or something like that.

A Buurr

2009-05-02T05:09:00.001-07:00

just felt like drawing a bear. woo, have i ever been productive tonight

alpaca has something to say

2009-05-02T02:17:00.001-07:00

More pig propaganda

2009-05-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

more pig propaganda. swine flu has proven really influential apparently.

pandemicpaca

2009-05-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

This marks the first alpaca in a long time. It's also the first completely vectorpaca. Fight the swine!

tee shirts anyone?

Pillar of supportpaca

2008-11-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

Polopaca

2008-10-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

pacafriends

2008-10-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

loveit

Shorty Whatchu Drank?

2008-10-08T08:13:00.001-07:00

Evepaca

2008-10-07T12:56:00.001-07:00

graffitipaca

2008-09-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

little wonders from the facebook graffiti application. fabulous.

Ah... decadencepaca

2008-09-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

this will only make sense to a few people who've seen this piece at the decadence show

Warholpaca

2008-09-09T12:13:00.001-07:00

once again popping pop art's balloon.

Aufviederpaca

2008-07-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

Lespaca

2008-07-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

okay whitney, here's your friggin alpaca.
<3

Bobpaca

2008-07-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

This is just so bizarre and wonderful.

Oceanpaca

2008-07-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

SAIC is giving me $6,000.00 extra in grants this year. And I'm all, "SAIC, let's make sex."

Koonspaca

2008-07-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

MCA: Fear no Alpaca.

Le Paca

2008-07-15T12:25:00.001-07:00

Mushapaca

2008-07-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

Last night PJ Clarks totally didn't put a tomato on my BLT. If I'm going to spend fourteen dollars on a sandwich with three ingredients then there is no excuse to not have them all on there.

Mad as a Hatpaca

2008-07-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sealpaca

2008-07-10T13:17:00.001-07:00

Wrigleypaca

2008-07-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Gurupaca

2008-06-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does Mike Myers have no versatility as an actor?

Kung Fu Paca

2008-06-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

No caption today, this one speaks for itself.

The Alpacaning

2008-06-17T09:30:00.001-07:00

The Happening was probably the first really bad movie I've seen this summer. M.N.S. is getting lazy with his plot arc and his cinematography is just as cheeseball as ever. He really shot his wad on this R-rated piece of garbage.

The Strangerpaca

2008-06-11T09:09:00.001-07:00

I'll be out of town the next couple days so expect a small delay in the next SUMMER MOVIE ALPACA.

Wall.paca

2008-06-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

Zopaca

2008-06-05T11:53:00.001-07:00

Uh, ok, maybe since 2002. But lets face it, Adam Sandler hasn't really made a good movie ever.

Sarah Marshalpaca

2008-06-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

Batpaca

2008-06-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

number five. I may do another Sex and the City because the movie was that fabulous.

ALPACAPPAREL

2008-05-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

I know that many of you stay up late at night dreaming sweet dreams about tee shirts with alpacas on them. Well, lovers, dream no more. Alpaca shirts are coming soon! This is just one of the 3 orgasmically wonderful designs that you can wear with alpacapride. So keep your fingers crossed for ALPACAPPAREL, to cover all of your lovely lady lumps (and the men too!)

Machpaca!

2008-05-30T14:20:00.001-07:00

looks a little shabby, but this took forever!

Sexpaca

2008-05-29T14:14:00.001-07:00

Number three in the SUMMER MOVIE ALPACA month.

Indianapaca

2008-05-28T07:26:00.001-07:00

Number two in the SUMMER MOVIE ALPACA month.

Ironpaca

2008-05-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

Waldopaca

2008-05-01T10:33:00.001-07:00

yeah, i know. kinda freaky.

Loonpaca

2008-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Up up and away in my beautiful my beautiful ballon.

Alpacawich

2008-04-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know how, from a legal standpoint, Jimmy Johns can classify their sandwiches as gourmet.

GAPaca

2008-04-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

Inspired by those GAP commercials in the 90s.

Netpaca

2008-04-18T13:07:00.001-07:00

Litpaca

2008-04-17T09:13:00.001-07:00

hey bfaw students, i wrote you a song

Thirty-six pages?

This story is massive.

It's got plot holes as big as your ass is.

Did you separate paragraphs with an asterisk?

Did you proofread this story on acid?

Is that an ellipsis?

It's useless,

Did you think that represented time?

Did you spell rhyme 'rime?'

Is your spellcheck blind?

You must be out of your mind to use an ampersand.

You need a 'y' and an 'o' to spell you,

Fool.

Your main character's a tool.

Her name's Mary Sue.

I can't believe you mixed up through and threw.

Your story is as bad as sex without an orgasm,

Roll over and try again.

The End.

Nostalgiapaca

2008-04-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

By the way, this is alpaca number fifty. I'm planning something very special once I get to a hundred. Could it be APPAREL?

Postpaca

2008-04-16T10:28:00.001-07:00

it is fab. u. lussss. in chicago today. 70 degrees!

Kidpaca

2008-04-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

sorry folks, that's all i got today.

Gunpaca

2008-03-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

alpaca is hunting for the person that added the jazz fusion station to my pandora.

Pet Sounds

2008-03-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Number 4599 on the stuff white people like list.

Lonepaca

2008-03-13T07:58:00.001-07:00

If that's not the saddest thing you've ever seen get your ticker checked.

Preciouspaca

2008-03-12T12:05:00.001-07:00

Can we talk about what I'm going to do with my wednesday nights now that project runway is over? Oh, right, top chef is starting.

Inkpaca

2008-03-05T11:14:00.001-08:00

That which does not kill you makes your memoir better.

Popaca

2008-03-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

So the climax of my life is this wednesday.

piepaca

2008-02-29T12:25:00.001-08:00

Pacamapaign

2008-02-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

Residentpaca

2008-02-27T08:46:00.001-08:00

Seriously, hospitals are EXACTLY what they look like on TV. And the doctors really are that handsome.

Zspaca

2008-02-22T10:40:00.001-08:00

Today I got attacked at Nordstroms by someone going for the same pair of jeans. They scratched me a little and it was ok because I got the denim and it was the last in that size and he really should cut his nails.

BCBGpaca

2008-02-21T17:51:00.001-08:00

New Saks catalog is out.
New project runway prediction: The winner is Rami!

Crimsonpaca

2008-02-14T17:52:00.000-08:00

ugh, here's an ugly alpaca for an ugly day.
Okay so y'all gotta admit my predictions were pretty close for making them all the way back in November.

The Pacaverse

2008-02-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

Everything in the universe is essentialy made of the wreckage from dead stars. The closest star is 44,000,000,000 kilometers away.

Now there's a reason to feel lonely on valentines day.

Lovettpaca

2008-02-03T15:29:00.001-08:00

ok. how can they just not show project runway for a week.
prediction: ricky=BYE
remember kids, no immunity means everyone that bugs me can go home

Debtpaca

2008-01-31T09:07:00.000-08:00

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just can't take

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a new episode of project runway.

Meatpaca

2008-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

Predictions predictions:

Even though my top 3 prediction was spoiled by Kevin's elimination I'm going to stick to my guns about Rami and Jillian, and I'm thinking the third contender will be Chris. I have a bad feeling about Christian, even though he's a great designer I think the editors of the show have been highlighting his flaws more and more, which is a clear indicator that he's leaving soon. Sweat P also doesn't seem long for the show. And crocodile tears will only win Ricky so many challanges.

Voguepaca

2008-01-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

Feast your eyes on that lovelies.

Gravitypaca

2008-01-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

OK. Eliminations like that prove that there is a God. My girl Jillian up against Victorya and finally, the snippy Chloe wannabe is gone. Pack your peasant tops and go.

Does anyone else think Ricky won because he cried so much or that Rami was born a girl?

Sorry for the extended va-ca, Alpaca and I went to Key West and got matching tans.

Pearpaca

2007-12-29T11:55:00.001-08:00

In your photoshopped face Gwen Steponme.

Guess what Alpaca got for X-Mas.

Oh and if I don't get a new episode of Project Runway soon I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

dairyaire

2007-12-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't make a Christmas list this year for two reasons:
1. Uh, I'm twenty, I haven't made a christmas list in like 7 years now
2. Nobody'd be able to afford anything on it

i hope santa has a platinum card.

64 bit paca!

2007-12-13T07:35:00.001-08:00

!!!
The fat man's back! Oh, I'm so glad they brought Chris back!
Ok, seriously, as much as I want Victorya to go, it is becoming more and more apparent that Elisa doesn't know how to sew.

Oh and did anyone notice how Ricky cried at like three different times for no reason? His model was like, 'I like this.' And then the camera immediately zooms to him crying.

Noirpaca

2007-12-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't even been thinking about things like Project Runway and Dolce & Gabanna because it's finals week. my mother called me last night to remind me not to get naked in art school.

Who told her?

Klumpaca

2007-12-06T13:36:00.001-08:00

You aut!

Snowpaca!

2007-12-06T07:48:00.001-08:00

So Victorya evaded elimination one more week but trust me when I say her ass is grass next week. OH. And notice how the three people I predicted to be the top three were all working together and won the challenge by a landslide. NOT. A. COINCIDENCE. Hot damn.

Tropaca

2007-12-05T07:19:00.001-08:00

I'm wearing a snazzy old tie i found in my closet today. I'm not really one to wear ties but, well, it's snazzy.

I still predict that Victorya is going home. Seriously, we don't need another Chloe.

Baby, it's cold outside!

2007-11-29T07:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Victorya's still on, but only because she didn't get a whole lot of camera time that episode. Oh, and you all know that kit's Blazer rocked your world.

alpaca dissed

2007-11-28T16:20:00.001-08:00

Project Runway tonight.
Zacks predictions:

going home tonight: Victorya
final three Jillian, Rami and Kevin
winner: Rami
close calls: Chris, Christian and Kit
most likely to cry first in tonight's episode: Ricky

turkeypaca!

2007-11-28T07:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Eggnog season! Sorry for the belated thanksgiving alpaca.

Packapaca!

2007-11-21T07:31:00.001-08:00

It's almost turkey day! This week we get our paychecks early so we can use the money to buy noisemakers at the Macy's parade.

Ever notice that it's only the midwesterners that say "expresso" and not "espresso."

PRADAPACA!

2007-11-15T13:09:00.001-08:00

While on the topic of designer goodies: these hot tamales are on the top of my wish list and will only set you back 995 big ones.

Only 47 more shopping days till Xmas!

2007-11-15T11:31:00.000-08:00

Armageddon 162 brought to you by: a lack of common sense.
Sorry for the rushedpaca, next one will be something fabulous.

Pacaparfait

2007-11-14T07:05:00.001-08:00

Downtown Parfait review!

Argo 3/5 spoons:
Argo tea has a kind of whimsical parfait with a thicker yogurt content and melons incorporated into it. The granola is kind of gingerbread-y and I suspect that it is kept at too cold a temperature.

Starbucks 4/5 spoons:
Starfucks has a sweeter yogurt parfait with strawberry jam, fresh fruit and larger, bulkier granola. It is a heartier parfait but the sweetness can be unbearable at moments.

Cafe Baci 4/5 spoons:
Baci's parfait is wonderful, includes peaches, a nice sturdy plastic spoon. The ratio is a little off and I've found a bit too much yogurt in proportion to the granola, which can be disturbing. Baci uses a finer granola that can sometimes get lost in the sea of white and never find its way to peach blueberry heaven.

Amandapaca punch!

2007-11-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Darlin'!

Catpaca!

2007-11-08T07:06:00.001-08:00

I'm flying solo in the office today. It's scary when nobody else is here at the front desk.

Tubing Fun

2007-11-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

It's like 20 degrees outside and I just got an oreo smoothie?

Will Alpaca Own the Oscars?

2007-11-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Today I wore a little too much cologne, I suspect. Dale was on the cover of some gay newspaper, I hung it on my wall.

Alpacadreams

2007-11-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Less trifolding, and more Oscar Wilde.

Anysapaca

2007-11-01T07:35:00.001-07:00

So I didn't have time to shower this morning and I'm in a bad mood.